THE TRUE MEANING OF
LOVE
The word is mostly used according to the
first definition given in the dictionary: “an intense feeling of deep
affection.” In other words, love is what one feels. After years of experience
spent with various couples before, during and after
marriage; and of talking to parents and children struggling with their
relationships, I am convinced of the partiality of the definition. Love should
be seen not as a feeling but as an enacted emotion. To love is to feel and act
lovingly.
The first love mentioned in the religious scriptures is not romantic love, but parental love . When a child is born, the parent’s
reaction to this person, who recently
did not existed, is to feel that we would do anything for her or him. In doing everything for child is the love—the
feeling is enacted. That is why we often hear the phrase “you don’t act like
you love me.” We know in our minds that love is not a feeling alone, but a
feeling that flows into the world in action. Between
human beings, love is a relational word. Yes, you can love things that do not
love you back—the sky or a mountain or a painting or the game of chess. But the
love of other people is directional. There is a lover and a beloved—you don’t
just love, but you love at someone.
And real love is not only about the feelings of the lover; it is not egotism.
It is when one person believes in another person and shows it.
If asked a wife after 25 five years of marriage
,that do she loves her husband,the expected answer that comes to mind is-- for
twenty-five years I’ve washed his clothes ,Cooked his meals,
cleaned the house,Given him children, etc
etc . “If that’s not love, what is?” Of course it is possible to perform all sorts of duties for
someone and feel little or nothing for them. Love is not about being hired
help. Love is not an obligation done with a cold soul. But neither is it a
passion that expresses itself in cruelty, or one that does not express itself
at all. The feeling must be wedded to the deed.
We would have a healthier conception of love if we
understood that love, like parenting or friendship, is a feeling that expresses
itself in action. What we really feel is reflected in what we do. The feeling
is dazzling and the passion powerful, but the deepest beauty of love is how it
changes lives.
It is time to change the meaning of the word “love.”
Many people find
themselves disappointed when what they thought was “true love” goes wrong. You
may have been through a series of relationships you thought would last forever,
only to see each of them end in a matter of months.
If you’ve you been deceived by what you thought was the real deal with someone
who seemed to meet all of the criteria on your checklist, you may find yourself
wondering not only why finding and keeping true love is so difficult, but what is true
love, anyway? What does real love feel like? Sadly, most men and women have
been devastated and deceived by today`s culture’s definition of “true love”.If
you’re ready to get serious about understand the meaning of love and how to
love someone in return, you need to begin by knowing which definition of love
works for you.You must be ready to understand love’s meaning, how to recognize
it when you find, and how to make finding and keeping it your highest pursuit.Here
are 8 qualities of relationships between people to understand the meaning of
loving and being loved.
1.True love is not new
........its long lasting
Love just completely surpasses that
sexual/physical connection. When you look at someone and they just get you,
they know your needs and your wants and both of you put each others' happiness
above your own. There's a level of respect and trust and affection when you are
in love that is steady. It's just warmth, and a feeling of being completely
safe and also completely vulnerable at the same time.
It’s true that all love starts out as new love. But
new love is easy. It is expansive and romantic. In a sense, it is what the
today`s generation use to call “free
love”. Everyone feels these emotions in a new romantic relationships. It’s just
the way our brains are wired. Meanwhile, true lasting love is earned love. It
takes intentionality. So you have to decide: do you want to put in the time and
effort to achieve lasting love, or do you want to live in the fantasy that true
love is simply going to happen to you? Relationships go through stages. A
typical relationship begins with the head-over-heals sparks and fireworks
phase, where the other person cannot do anything wrong and where we cannot
think of anything better than being in their company. This phase wears off. How
soon it wears off varies a lot, depending on people's circumstances. But it
inevitably wears off.
This is the point where we enter into a phase of conflict.
We start to see the other person's flaws. We no longer feel we will die if we
cannot see our partner for a while. The phase of conflict is also where the
arguments and fights tend to start. We need to learn to solve problems with our
partner and to negotiate, because no two human beings want exactly the same
things. If the relationship survives the phase
of conflict, attachment love is likely to develop. Attachment love is a different kind of love
from new wild romantic love. It is more closely related to the kind of love you
feel for a child, a parent or a close friend. It typically does not involve
feelings of wonder all the time. When things go well, it is a comfortable kind
of love, and it is the sort of love that can last a lifetime.
A long lasting relationship is not about romancing each other
or being passionate in bed each day.Its all about complete trust and transparency
built over the years about countless feelings and emotions shared and countless
problems solved together.
2.True
Love is a Mutual Expression of profound emotions
Love is one of the most
profound emotions known to human beings. There are many kinds of love, but most
people seek its expression in a romantic relationship with a compatible
partner. For many, romantic relationships comprise the most meaningful aspect
of life, providing a source of deep fulfillment. The need for human connection
appears to be innate, but the ability to form healthy, loving relationships is
learned. A great deal of evidence suggests that the ability to form a stable
relationship begins in infancy, in a child's earliest experiences with love. Research has shown that emotional
connection is the single most important factor for creating true lasting love.
Love is a close bond with another that goes deeper than affection, attraction,
lust, or friendship. It's a deep mutual expression of respect, trust, honesty,
integrity, intimacy, chemistry, and partnership. Love is something best
experienced together. You find it in each other, not separately.
It is the glue that binds relationships together.You can have great
conversations about life, politics, sports, or goals, but if there is no
emotional connection, there will be no sustainable attraction.
Emotions are the glue that bond
relationships together. They are the primary way we express our deepest joy and
fear. Emotions are the language of love. Can you imagine a poem or love song
that’s not full of emotion? Emotions make you trust and believe in the
sincerity of your partner’s love. They tell you that your partner cares about
you, even when you hurt. In the end, no one but you can
decide what love means within the context of your relationships, and there is
no "right way" to define what love is or what it should be. As long
as both people in the partnership feel love and that their most important needs
are being met, then that's a good thing.
3.True
Love is Accessible
LOVE IS...
being lovingly honest and humbly approachable in times of misunderstanding You need to know
that your partner is available to you when you need them.
When we bond as a pair, we expect our partner to be the first responder when we
are afraid.Being able to connect with the person you love the most when you
need them the most calms your emotions and make you feel safer even in the face
of the worst kinds of danger. But sharing the
good and bad times requires more than accessibility alone…Every time you appreciate something or someone, the universe
sends you more of that frequency. Providing you aren’t subconsciously resisting
it, you’ll see that quality or situation begin to increase. Making daily
gratitude lists is a wonderful way to raise your awareness, but be sure to
include yourself. Appreciate your body, sense of humour, and curiosity – it all
helps these traits to shine. As you do this, you’ll notice certain values and
qualities repeating on your list, and a picture of your soulmate will emerge.
4.True Love Never Expectes.
Expectation is basic human nature. If you are
nice to somebody, you expect them to be nice to you too. And with loved ones,
this feeling increases tenfold. Expectations drown relationships.Where do these
relationship-killing expectations come from? The main reason for them is the
evil ego of ours, and the “sense of
entitlement”. We believe the things we expect are rightfully ours and we
deserve them. “Me, me, me” the ego likes to scream out loud. But who is to say
what we deserve or not, because nobody owes us anything in this world. If you
get treated well and spoiled by your partner, be appreciative and see it as a
kind virtue. The problem is that when these expectations – big or small – are
not met, we feel disappointment, which leads to arguments and hurt pride. Here
is a simple relationship formula: No expectations = no disappointments.
Failure to meet expectations has ended a large
percentage of relationships. The longer the relationship lasts, the more
expectations you’ll have. Every additional expectation increases the chances
your partner will fail to meet them.Therefore,
the chance of becoming single increases significantly with every new
expectation.It takes a strong person and a lot of focus to not
to be so demanding or needy in a relationship. Unfortunately, most people in
relationships are not strong people to begin with. They will oftentimes ignore
or downplay how needy and dependent they are becoming.Of course I am not saying that you have to accept when your
partner is being disrespectful, cheap or careless to you. I am referring to the
superficial unreasonable expectations. Not only are you putting pressure on
him, but on yourself as well. Take it easy, relax and allow him to show you his
true colors. Most likely being the gentleman that he is, he will invite you to
nice dinners and spoil you a bit, but don’t take that as a given and a must.
After you let go of all the expectations, and you still have problems with your
partner, you must ask yourself, “Maybe we don’t speak the same love language?”
Meaning, maybe you don’t fit well together. At the end of the day, it’s your
life, and you must do whatever is good for you.
But keep in mind that expectations are a
killer for relationships, so the more easy-going you are, the more you shall be
open to wonderful and positive surprises.
5.True
Love is unconditional.
I
love her because she loves me back - LOVE
I
love her even if she hates me - UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
The
term unconditional love does not
mean love without limits or bounds. It means, "I offer you my love freely
without condition." This means that when we offer our love, we offer it
without expectation of repayment. It is important to offer this type of
unconditional love in our relationships. Otherwise, we are offering love with
"strings attached." This creates power and control imbalances.
Unconditional love means loving someone through hardships, mistakes, and
frustrations. In fact, it is what every meaningful,
lasting relationship is made of. When we enter
relationships with other people, we are entering relationships with another
human being—a person full of quirks and flaws and challenges. And we also show
our own quirks and flaws and challenges. One of the most beautiful experiences
in human life is learning to lean into the tension of those challenges by
offering connection, love, and understanding and by accepting influence,
creating compromise, and moving forward in a way in which both people win.
It is healthy to offer your love without
strings attached. Otherwise, we are not truly loving the other person. Rather,
we are using affection as a tool to control.It is not healthy
to offer love without boundaries.Our relationships require basic expectations
to be fulfilled—kindness, respect, and safety. When these are not fulfilled, we
might have to set hard boundaries. These boundaries might look like
distancing oneself or cutting off entirely. If you do cut off, it does not mean
that you offered your love with conditions. Remember, your love did not make
them indebted to you. They do not owe you anything. But you do owe yourself
safety, respect, and kindness. You can walk away from people that you've loved
very much in order to take care of your own needs and safety.Sometimes, we ignore these needs for boundaries in the
name of "unconditional love." However, in those moments, we are not
offering unconditional love. We are offering codependent love. In codependent relationships, we are so set on
maintaining the dynamics in the relationships that we excuse or enable
unacceptable behavior. Again, this leads us to a place of unbalanced power and
control rather than into a place of truly connected love in which we offer each
person an opportunity to be responsible for their behavior with us. When
we love this way, we are offering true love—the type of love that allows others
to be who they are. It also is the type of love that allows us to continually
reassess the relationship and decide, over time, if it is still working for us
and if we are still able to give our love so freely.
6.True Love always forgives.
True love is total commitment with no separate parts or
degrees and filled with harmony and joy. Hopefully, that feeling is
reciprocated by someone. Love cannot be taught. It is a natural
expression coming from the heart or emotional makeup of the individual.
Forgiveness is a part of love. If a person is unforgiving, this is a block to
love. The ultimate test of love is forgiveness. When someone that a
person loves hurts him, the response is the true record of that love; if there
is true love here, the person will not hold a grudge, become resentful, or fill
the heart with bitterness. None of these responses connect with true
love. It blocks that emotion. So what should the response be: to
forgive
There
are two hurtful situations that occur between people who love each other: a wound and a
wrong. The wound does not require forgiveness. It was
unintentional and accidental. Time and patience will take care of this
situation.The other situation though is a different story. A wrong is
when a person knows that what he is doing will hurt the other person and does
it anyway. It is a moral dilemma that the person faces and
fails. To wrong someone that a person loves requires
forgiveness. Forgiveness is instant; but trust must be built over a long period
of time. Forgiveness takes care of the damage done. It lets the person off the
hook. However, the true test of love will be how the person works to
rebuild that loving relationship. Forgiveness may be the single most
difficult act of love. It is the difference between forgetting and
letting go. The brain never lets the person forget, but the heart will give
forgiveness.
Love
and forgiveness walk hand in hand in a relationship.
7.
True Love helps to grow
“It is not good to try
to cram our ideas down the throats of others. People grow in their own way, in
their own time. Love is a feeling of wellbeing for other person.” — Ashok Gulla
People
grow into the finest version of themselves when they’re given the opportunity
to awaken their authentic self.Growth takes place by opening our hearts and
minds to be tolerant of others without hidden motives. If you want to help people grow into the finest version of themselves,
nurture a spirit of compassion and empathy with them.The American physician and
author Gerald G. Jampolsky says we gain peace of mind when we accept people as
they are without demands or expectations: “Peace of mind comes from not wanting
to change others, but by simply accepting them as they are. True acceptance is
always without demands and expectations.” Don’t wait for others to
improve themselves first.Tend to your personal growth at all times and create
the ideal conditions for others to do the same. If nothing else changes within
the relationship, at least you will have focussed on your personal growth.
Growth is vital to life otherwise we remain stagnant, stuck and our
self-esteem is impaired.
8. True Love is acceptance.
When
two people truly love each other, they evolve into better versions of
themselves.
When two people are driven by honest, deep,
unconditional love, they accept each other the way they are. They love their
significant other for their real self. They’re aware of their virtues, merits,
and successes, and they support and motivate them to never stop growing and pursuing
their goals.Yet, they’re also aware of their quirks, weaknesses, fears, and
problems, but they don’t shame them for these. They don’t make them feel weak
and unworthy. Instead, they accept and cherish all their faults because they
make and are an inseparable part of the person they love the most. Many of us
have been in a relationship in which we were not driven by true love, but by
other motives. We selfishly loved someone, or I should better say we loved the
perfect image of them that we created in our mind, not their real self. We fell
for the person we wanted them to be, not the person they really were. But,
thinking that we have the right to control someone’s life and change them so as
to fit the ideal is not only an unfair and inconsiderate thing to do, but wrong
too.We all have imperfections and our own gaps to fill. And that’s perfectly
normal.
Acceptance of others, of course, tends to be much easier than
acceptance of ourselves. However, accepting ourselves for those quirks and
traits that make each one of us unique can facilitate our ability to accept our
partners. Often we criticize traits in others that reflect disliked traits in
ourselves. Practicing self-compassion can ultimately enhance our relationships
with others, especially our romantic partners. Maybe love is about making tiny sacrifices for
the people you love. Not telling them about the little things that bother you.
Not being so hard on them when they forget something you asked. Not holding
them to immeasurably high standards.And accepting them and loving them fully
instead.
Because the truth is, we’re all imperfect people trying to love one
another perfectly. And love doesn’t work like that.
There will be a
million and one ways the people we love will let us down, but we must still
learn to love them, as they love us. That is the only way love works—it
survives, it grows, it continues, even in its imperfection.
